Maybe you’re the kind of person who goes to church every Sunday and prays to God every time you buy a lottery ticket. Or maybe you’re the kind of person who rips out pages from the Bible when you run out of toilet paper. Whichever way, there’s no denying that the Bible and everything it stands for has had a huge impact on the human race. And one of the most famous stories from the Bible is the story of Noah’s Ark. A story that, as has been proven time and time again, makes no sense at all.

There’s no denying, it’s a hard story to take seriously. But now an Academy Award nominated director is taking the story and trying to turn it into something that CAN be taken seriously.

Does he succeed? Not on your life.

It would be one thing if the movie simply failed to justify any of the many confusing things that already exists, but it adds in even more confusing stuff. Now, I haven’t read the Old Testament in a while, but I’m pretty sure there weren’t any rock monsters straight out of a Bionicle movie. Or action scenes with the descendants of Cain trying to take the arc. Or Noah becoming a bad guy.

The film comes across as trying too hard to be epic. Tech-wise, the film succeeds around the board. The film definitely looks good and sounds good, but I believe that none of that really matters if you have a poor script. Which this film unfortunately does.

The acting in this movie is surprisingly good. Nothing awards worthy (especially in a year like this) but Russell Crowe, Emma Watson, and especially Jennifer Connelly do manage to elevate a mediocre script, which is not an easy thing to do.

Maybe I just need to see more Aranofsky movies, but Noah simply didn’t work for me. The production design, cinematography, score… it’s all really good. But the script holds the film back from being truly epic. I’m not the most religious type in the world, but I think even die hard Christians may want to skip this one.

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