BEST PICTURE: Argo

The greatest movie never made has picked up a slew of awards.

BEST BRITISH MOVIE: Skyfall

I’m James Bond, and I’m totally awesome.

BEST DIRECTOR: Ben Affleck, Argo

How many awards does this guy have yet? I wouldn’t be surprised if Affleck wins the Oscar by default.

BEST ACTOR: Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln

Want to make an Oscar movie? Take a respected Hollywood actor and make them play a respected historical figure. I’ll win an Oscar right now: Jeff Bridges as George Washington!

BEST ACTRESS: Emmanuelle Riva, Amour

This could be her last chance to win an Oscar, but don’t count on it.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christolph Waltz, Django Unchained

Django Unchained is the only Best Picture nominee that I have yet to see.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables

I think that I’ve already said everything that can be said about her.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Django Unchained

Looks like it’ll win the Oscar, too.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Silver Linings Playbook

Definitely the best of the lot.

BEST EDITING: Argo

Oh, yeah!

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Life Of Pi

Best of the year!

BEST ART DIRECTION: Les Miserables

My personal favorite. I’m starting to sound like a broken record, aren’t I?

BEST COSTUME DESIGN: Anna Karenina

The eventual Oscar winner.

BEST MAKEUP: Les Misérables

Works for me, now I don’t have to see the other two nominees!

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: Life Of Pi

None of the award shows I’ve seen rank this as a serious contender (for Best Picture), which is a shame.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE: Skyfall

Score one for Thomas Newman!

BEST SOUND: Les Miserables

Looks like it’s on its way to an Oscar. But the tigers come at night..

BEST ANIMATED FILM: Brave

Ralph, you’ve got competition.

BEST FOREIGN FILM: Amour

Maybe every other foreign movie this year stunk.

BEST DOCUMENTARY: Searching For Sugar Man

Not sure if I have to see this one before Oscar night.

BEST SHORT FILM: Swimmer

Never heard of it.

BEST SHORT ANIMATION

Where’s Paperman?

BEST RISING STAR: Juno Temple

You know, that minor character in Dark Knight Rises. Totally not like Quvénzhane Wallis. Seriously, get a clue!

BEST DEBUT BY A BRITISH WRITER, DIRECTOR, OR PRODUCER: Bart Layton and Dimitri Doganis

The british are bringing sexy back.